The State of My Union

The President gives his annual State of the Union address tonight. Some topics he’s expected to cover are: taxes, education, health care, immigration, and gun control. There are plenty of places on the internet for comprehensive analysis of the President’s speech, both before and after he gives it, but this is not one of those places.

This is a State of the Union speech for my household. It is the speech I’d give, but it would be unlikely anyone in my family would listen.

“Dear fellow family members,

It is my pleasure to stand before you (sitting at the kitchen table) this evening (4:45pm) and discuss the most pertinent family issues we are facing today.

Taxes: Taxes will remain a central issue in our household. There will continue to be a candy tax at Halloween. Your mom and I help you with your costumes, take you around the neighborhood, and “check” your back for suspicious candy at the end of the night, for all that effort, we get first pick at the best candy in the bag. It’s a candy tax, kids. Deal with it.

(applause from mom as the kids sit quietly with their arms folded)

Education: Kids, do your homework as soon as you get off the bus. And remember, your mom and I care more about how well you do in school during the regular part of the school year, and what your teachers think of you, waaaaaay more than whatever those standardized test scores say.

(applause from all)

Health Care: The cornerstone of health care in our family, will continue to be… hand washing. When you get home from school, the grocery store, playing outside, and before meals, please wash your hands. And definitely wash your hands after using the restroom…I’m looking at you Blonde Bomber!

(applause from mom, First Born, and Middle Man, as Blonde Bomber sits with a scowl on her face)

Gun Control: Our house has a Nerf gun problem. I don’t know where they all came from, but over the years we’ve amassed quite a collection. Luckily, we have a severe shortage of Nerf bullets, so they mainly just lie there collecting dust. There will be no Nerf gun reform at this time along with no plan to restock our supply of Nerf bullets.

(Middle Man boos loudly)

Immigration: While there are currently no plans for any native or non-native beings permanently entering our household this year, your mother is making a BIG Push for a new puppy. This may involve us building a fence to keep her from wanting more dogs, or maybe we’ll just disconnect her wifi.

(total silence from the group as they contemplate life without wifi)

Thank you and goodnight!”

(drops mic)

-Pete

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