I have been watching the FX series “The Assassination of Gianni Versace” lately. When it’s not about assassination, it’s about Versace as a genius designer. Because of that, I’ve been doing something very out of character for me: thinking about fashion.
Not my own fashion, of course (this would be depressing). My thoughts have been preoccupied with toddler fashion in general, and my 3 year-old daughter’s fashion, in specific.
Because she is 3, my daughter has very specific ideas about what she will and will not wear. When we’re in the middle of a struggle of wills over getting dressed, if I let my mind wander, I start to picture what a toddler fashion show might look and sound like.
And coming down the runway now is Jayden. Jayden is wearing a dinosaur T-shirt and his shorts with two of his legs jammed in one hole because he insisted he could do it himself. He’s wearing last summer’s flip flops, even though it’s January and they’re two sizes too small, because he found them in an old box and is now obsessed with them for some reason. A daring choice, Jayden!
Next down the runway is Emma. Emma is bringing this season’s hottest look: an Elmo costume she refuses to take off. That’s right, folks, this little beauty got into the Halloween box last week and put this on for fun, and then, in a fun twist, she decided that she would live in this costume until time immemorial.
And I’d like you to keep it going for Noah. Noah is wearing his plaid pants paired with his long-sleeve striped shirt, over which he has layered a short-sleeved Mickey Mouse print shirt, his plaid socks, soccer cleats for some reason, and a purse he has decided is a hat. Noah calls this look “ready for school pictures!” Mom calls this look, “Testing her conviction that children can and should express themselves through their personal style choices.”
Coming your way this time is Max! Max is … where is Max? Max? Okay, I’m being told that Max is having a tantrum because his milk was “too soft” this morning, and so he won’t be able to join us. Such a shame for Max!
Now here on the runway now we have Olivia. Olivia is not wearing anything except for her diaper because Olivia decided this morning that she doesn’t want to wear clothes now, or ever! A real minimalist take on fashion, and I like it! Olivia doesn’t, because she’s sat down halfway down the runway and is starting to scream. Lots to talk about with Olivia!
Thanks so much to all of our judges and contestants here at the toddler fashion show. I’d especially like to thank Jack’s mom, who is sporting yoga pants she has never done yoga in, an oversized sweatshirt with milk stains on it, and a messy bun meant to disguise the fact that she hasn’t had time to shower in three days. Thanks, Jack’s mom!
Anyway, that’s what I think it might look like.