How to B.S. your way through a bedtime story

Many times I don’t mind reading bedtime stories to my kids, but occasionally I despise it. My kids asking (telling) me to read them a bedtime story feels like one last opportunity for them to boss me around that day. By 8:30 pm the last thing I want to do is read a 5000 word novel, about Barbie’s life-changing enrollment into Princess Charm School. (Yes, it is a real book, and yes, it is terrible.)

But, with years of practice at marginal parenting, I’ve come up with a few methods for fake reading to my kids. Before my kids learned to read, some nights fake reading was the only way I made it through bedtime. It’s similar to actually reading to your kids, but includes several shortcuts along the way.

Here are five tips to help you fake read to your own kids…

1. Instead of reading the words, describe the pictures. It is way more fun.

2. Eliminate repetitive phrases. With Dr. Seuss books, this will save you tons of precious time, so you can get your kids in bed and yourself back to Facebooking ASAP.

3. Clump pages together as you turn the page. Don’t lie sanctimonious parents, even you’ve done this one before. “No son, page 63 really does come right after page 11.”

4. Say “The End” at any point in the story you feel would make a moderately reasonable ending. This method also works if your child’s attention span wanders off to another topic.

5. Enjoy it while it lasts. There will come a day where each of these tips no longer work. You will be corrected for even the slightest mispronounced word. So, my bedtime book reading friends, take every shortcut you can, while you still can…before it’s too late.

You’re welcome.

-Pete